why?

it's not that i have never written down anything for my thesis. i've more or less already analysed three and a half novels according to my wild guess work. i've written down LOADS of notes i have copied from secondary works. i've written more or less sensible comments about these text passages. i've just never pinned them down into a precise order. it's more like they belong to thematic heaps. unfortunately i can't just show up in two years, and say, 'here's ten heaps. enjoy!' it also has to make sense and look nice and coherent. as if i had actually put some thought into it.

and i do. but ... LINEARITY! i flail to fail. it stinks. because how am i to know that in one year from now that outline is still standing? am i tying myself to an imaginary index, fully knowing that not even six months from now not even half of it will remain standing? but if i don't start working with this imaginary index (not so imaginary anymore since i wrote it down this afternoon), i won't be working coherently at all.

or perhaps i am just afraid of the next step in my research. i've pretty much done most of reading up on the theoretical and historical background. though some of it is still a bit shady. especially the 14 years after 1900. next there's the foraging of the actual, primary literature. what if i don't find what i am looking for? even though i know it's there. at least in the fictional writing. and i've seen already some traces in the non-fiction. but these traces right now are the straws i am desperately holding onto. what if the letters and diaries won't hold up to my expectations? is qualitative research enough?

can somebody please just tell me that i am not headed into the entirely wrong direction?

right now: i feel completely left alone and have no one to bounce ideas off. i guess, i will find out the day i have to defend the one, big gigantic pile of wastepaper. but then it might be too late.